Tracing Our Stars
by pocketmouse34
Summary: All my life, the only thing I've ever wanted to do was write something that mattered. When I read 'The Fault in Our Stars', I knew John Green got it right. So I wanted to give love and cancer and hope and forever a shot.
1. Chapter 1

I want to write down the story of how a girl changed my life. For better or for worse, I'm still not sure. It all started a Wednesday night in a church parking lot.

Ch. 1

It was my first week in Nowhere, Georgia and I was already missing my life in Chicago. Things here ere too quiet and although the people had their southern hospitality, you could see them judging you and making crazy assumptions under their shallow smiles. It was hot and the air was heavy with humidity, and though there was green everywhere t was all just weeds.

With a Baptist church on every corner, I wasn't sure how legit these people were about God. It seemed like being a Christian as just the thing to do here, so I doubted the people's motives. But all that changed when I walked into the old church on the corner by the grocery store.

I'd always loved God, like even more than I loved sports and girls. My parents stressed the importance of morals and having a relationship with God, but unlike all my friends I actually listened to them.

So anyway, I walked into worship and people were singing loudly ad joyfully. It was weird to see a whole congregation on one page, and powerful. They prayed and when it was time to leave, people sat around and talked to one another like they cared about what the other one was saying. Everyone was friendly and came up to introduce themselves.

I'd never seen anything like it in my life and as I left the building I was on a spiritual high. I was about to climb into my truck when someone ran up to me. "Can you please help me?" The girl asked frantically. "My car…"

I stared at her perplexed. She was cute and everything, but there was something else about her that made my heart pound. Maybe it was the sweet sound of her voice or the way she smiled even when things weren't going her way.

I recovered quickly, "Of course." She hopped to a red volts wagon beetle and looked at me expectantly. "What's wrong with it?" I asked opening the hood of the car.

"Please don't judge me," she said biting her lip. "I promise, I'm not one of those dumb pretty girls."

"Well you sure are pretty," I interrupted. Her eyes lit up and she smiled. "So what did you do to your car?"

"I forgot to fill up on gas," she sighed.

"I'll drive you to the gas station and we can get a tank," I offered.

"Thank you so much!" She said taking shotgun. I rolled down the windows as we drove down the road. I've got to admit that Georgia does have some nice sunsets.

"So what do you do around here for fun?" I asked the girl turning down the radio.

She shrugged, "Everyone hangs out at the lake, for lack of anything else to do. Are you visiting or did you just move here."

"Moved from Chicago. How could you tell?" I asked curiously.

"Well first of all you talk funny," she giggled.

"Y'all people are the ones that talk funny," I said back imitating the southern accent everyone seems to have here.

"Do you hate it here yet?" she asked wistfully. I shrugged. "If it weren't for all the people I love here, I'd ask you to just keep driving until Georgia was nothing more than a sign in my review mirror," she said dreamily as she traced a heart in the fog on the window.

"What's your name?" I asked urgently. Suddenly, I needed to know. Hearing her name was all that mattered.

"Sarah."

"Beautiful," I thought to myself. I wanted to ink her name on my skin, to have her a part of me for forever. How could I be with someone for less than twenty minutes and already know I could never spend my life with anyone else? I've always heard that you fall in love like you fall asleep; slowly and then all at once. But with her, it was like I'd just been hit by a truck.

We bought the gas and I filled her car up for her. "You never told me your name," she said, a smile playing at her lips.

"Logan," I answered.

"My mom is going to kill me when I get home Logan," she says looking at the time.

"Well if she doesn't, can I see you tomorrow?" I ask, nervous on the inside but cool ad smooth on the outside.

"Okay," she whispers giggling.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2

I picked her up at her house the next night with a small dandelion in my hand. "It was the first one I'd seen here in Georgia. I know most people see them as weeds but…"

She cut me off, "They are my favorite! Thank you."

As we drove to the baseball field, Sarah talked and I really listened; not because I had to but because I wanted to. She told me about her family, especially her younger brother. "He's so quirky and is always making noise, but he is still sweet and really kind hearted," she said softly. "What about you? Do you like your family?"

"Um I live with my dad and my sister Courtney, she's a senior. I can't wait for her to go off to college. I mean she's alright I guess but she yells a lot and is self centered. And my dad works too much."

"What about your mom?"

I laughed.

"What are you laughing at?" she demanded.

"You," I answered. "You aren't afraid to ask any question, no matter how personal or messy."

"Is that a bad thing?" she asked furrowing her eyebrows in concern.

"No. It's really cool actually." And I meant it too. "Well, my mom she's gone. She went a-wall a couple months before we moved here."

"Why?"

"People change I guess," I said not really knowing the real answer.

"Do people change, or do situations?"

I half smiled and pulled into a parking place. I opened her door and put my old cubs baseball cap on her head.

"I can't wear this!" she exclaimed taking my hand as she hopped out of the truck. "This is Brave's Country!"

"Oh come on! You'd be really cute in a Cubs uniform!" I played.

"Never!" she teased.

As fate would have it, the Braves beat my beloved baseball team an I listened to Sarah brag all the way home; not because I had to, but because I wanted to.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3

"What are you wearing?" Sarah laughed. "I could hardly even recognize you.

"Do I look like a real zombie?" I asked doing my best zombie limp.

"You're absolutely horrifying," she winked. She had invited me to her friend Lanie's Halloween party and they were both dressed as cats. Music blared and people sat on couches eating candy and caramel-covered apples in pirate and witch costumes.

"Let's dance!" Sarah smiled and Lanie nodded excitedly. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the middle of the living room. Every song that came on was fun and easy. And although she danced with everybody, I still smiled when Sarah took my hands and spun around.

We danced all night.

"Oh my gosh, you have got to be kidding me," Lanie growled as we helped her clean. "I told Justin and his crack head friends they couldn't light anything in the house." I leaned over and saw where they had burned the couch when putting out their joint.

"Let's get them back," Sarah suggested giving Lanie a hug.

I turned off my headlights and gave each of them a handful of eggs. "On three," Sarah whispered bursting with anticipation. She held up three fingers and we sent our eggs flying.

"Take that!" Lanie yelled sending one at Justin's window. "And that!"

His front door opened and I tossed the last of the eggs at his feet. "See ya!" Sarah and Lanie waved, jumping in the bed of my truck. I will never forget the look on Justin's face as he stood in his boxers staring in disbelief at the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4

Sarah spent a whole bunch of her time training for soccer. One day she'd do agility and the next ball handling and the day after that on cardio. I did it all with her.

I've always been pretty athletic, but I was hard to keep up with Sarah. She was fast, but had endurance too. Even when we were drenched I sweat and our hearts boomed I our ears, she'd still be smiling and ready to do the next exercise.

"Why are you working so hard? You aren't even in season yet," I asked one day as I chugged a gallon of water.

"I wanna… I wanna be the best I can be," she answers breathing hard.

"Well if you don't make Varsity, I'll go beat up the coach myself," I decide.

"And I'll watch," she laughs.

She made it, of course. I went to every game and she got to play a fair amount of time, but she didn't like it.

"No one is ever happy," she told me one day when we are out at lunch. "And everyone talks about each other and complains about the coaches and practice."

"Not everyone is as content as you," I sighed.

"Is that a bad thing? Should I want more for myself or be happy with what I do have?" she asked moving her straw around in the glass.

"You deserve better," I admit. "But complaining about it just wouldn't be you.


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5

All during junior year, I was stuck in the friend zone. And although I wanted so much more, I was just so happy being with Sarah that I didn't care if I was just a friend or the love of her life as long as I got to spend time with her. I loved how she was like a puzzle; I never stopped learning new things about her and she never failed to surprise me.

I joined the youth group at her church and the guys there became brothers to me. The youth pastor, Bobby was like a big teenager. He played video games and made fun of us and could eat a whole bag of pizza rolls in one sitting.

It was so obvious how deeply he cared and loved Sarah, and he threatened me once. It was after a game of kick ball and I'd been teasing Sarah about being a girl when it came to catching the ball. No matter how much she denies it, the girl cannot catch to save her life.

Afterwards, Bobby came up to me and asked to see me inside. Every bad thing I'd ever done raced through my mind like they do when you know you're about to get in trouble. "Logan?"

"Yes sir?" I said. No one ever called him sir, but right then it felt necessary.

"I see the way you look at her. And I see the way you connect with the guys and with God. I love Sarah very much, and I don't want her to get hurt. Ever. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"To go for it?" I asked confused.

"To be careful, because it will only take once for her heart to break."

I looked down at the ground, trying to suppress a smile. "So you think I would be good enough for her?"

"Logan, if anyone could ever be good enough for her it would be you."

"I won't let you down," I promised beaming. "I'll be the guy she always dreamed of having."


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6

We were sitting on the kitchen counter in her house, studying for a history exam, when she looked up at me with a bewildered look on her face. "What are you thinking about?" I asked her this question all the time, because it seemed like she was always wondering about something.

"I… I think I'm in love with you Logan," she answered. And for the first time ever, she sounded nervous.

"Oh," I said. "I don't think I'm in love with you." She looked down embarrassed and disappointed. "I know it."

I smiled. Sarah turned her head to me, her eyes wide in surprise. "You are an awful person!" She exclaimed. I couldn't help but laugh and she joined in. A piece of her hair fell into her face and I pushed it behind her ear.

She stopped laughing and took a step towards me. We were so close that could hear her soft breathing and feel her quick heartbeat against my chest. She looked up at me and her lips moved, asking me a question. "Will you kiss me?"

So I did. I would do anything she asked me to do.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7

"Logan, I can't breathe," Sarah said as I twirled her in circles. Music blared and the only light came from the moon.

"It's in your head," I reminded.

For a few weeks she'd been saying she couldn't breath and her stomach hurt. Her mom said she was just stressed out for her upcoming Senior year and Sarah agreed that she was probably right. She always forgot though when it happened, when she started to freak out and the air didn't come like it should. "You are okay," I promised. She looked away, taking long breaths. "Better?"

She nodded hesitantly.

"You don't need to worry Sarah, this is going to be the best year yet," I assured.

"Yeah," she said half heartedly. "I'm going to um go to talk to um Lanie."

I grabbed her hand as she began to walk away. "Sarah, are you okay?"

"Yeah. It's… It's all in my head," she said. But it seemed like she was still trying to convince herself.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8

I wish with all my heart that the night I am about to tell you about is the worst one. That we made it through this and it was all over. That this night was the scariest part, the most heartbreaking moment. But that would be a lie. A good one that would make you feel a little better and keep your hope alive, but a lie none the less.

It was the first week of July and we were down at the lake for a party. I was playing poole inside while Sarah was out with her friends on the boat. I was about to take my turn when there was a commotion outside. "What's going on?" I asked.

"It looks like they're carrying someone out of the water," a guy wearing a backwards baseball cap said.

We ran out to meet the crowd of people. "Who is it?" I asked trying to see over everyone.

"They say her name is Sarah," a girl said taking out her phone to call 911.

My heart dropped and then I was running to her. A guy I vaguely recognize as Lanie's brother stumbles out of the lake. "She… she fell in the water. Her head," he mumbles sinking into the sand. "We were all hanging out and then she was just… just gone."

"Sarah!" I yelled, taking her from him. There was so much blood, running down the side of her face. I pulled off my shirt and held it against her temple. "Sarah," I said her name over and over again but she didn't respond. The ambulance sired wailed and some people in uniforms took her from me. All I could do was say her name over and over again.

"Logan, what happened?" Sarah's mom asked me at the hospital.

"I don't know," I said pacing the hallways. They rolled her into the E.R. leaving me alone, scared, and knowing nothing. A nurse came out and I jumped at her. "Is she okay?"

She grabbed my shoulders to calm me. "She is stable."

"What's wrong with her?" I asked.

"We are going to run some tests in the morning," she explained.

"Can I see her?" I asked desperately.

"When we move her to her room," she promised.

I tried to sit and wait, but my nerves kept me antsy. Her parents filled out paperwork and were on the phone constantly, trying to keep everyone updated. My fingers drummed on my leg as I walked in a circle. I tried not to think about what 'run some tests' meant.

As soon as they let me, I raced to see Sarah. She sat in bed, one eye covered by the gauze wrapped around her head. "You look like a pirate," I laughed.

"Arg,"she answered. I was so relieved to see her.

"So I know everyone's going to ask you this but, how are you feeling?" I ask, trying not to stare at all the tubes hanging out of her arm.

She shrugged. "I was in the boat, and I got up because I couldn't breathe," she recounted. "Lanie asked me what was wrong and I couldn't talk. Logan, it was like I was drowning on air then it all went black. When I woke up there were lights and people talking fast and serious. Someone was pressing against my chest and then I blacked out again. I just woke up and everything hurts. My head…"

I kissed her hand. "I'm just glad to see you."

I spent the next two days eating hospital food and sleeping on waiting room chairs. They had to run more tests than expected, taking so much of her blood and blood marrow. She kept asking what they were looking for and I said I didn't know. It was hard lying to her, but how do you tell someone you love that they probably have cancer?


	9. Chapter 9

Sarah's parents and I sat in the room while she slept. A nurse came in holding a clipboard. "Results are in."

My heart stopped and I gripped the chair. I didn't know I was holding my breath until I sighed. Her mom started crying and her dad had his head in his hands.

I walked out of the room and started punching the wall. "Why?" I screamed. I punched and punched until my knuckles bled and my heart beat so hard I forgot it was hurting before.


	10. Chapter 10

"Woah," I said as I walked into Sarah's room. There was seriously like a hundred flowers and dozens of balloons along with piles of stuffed animals and stacks of candy. Get well cards and signs cover the wall and Sarah was sitting on her bed tearing up envelopes.

She looked up, "no crying okay?"

"Okay," I nodded. "It's been a rough few days?"

"You have no idea," she breathed. "Suddenly everyone cares about me now that I'm a cancer patient," she laughed and I did too even though we both knew it wasn't funny. "Never brings me roses. I hate them," she says staring angrily at the piles of them on her dresser.

"I didn't," I assured holding out a book. She took it and the surprise on her face made me smile.

"This is perfect," she whispered.

It's a hard copy of her all time favorite book, The Fault in our Stars. She didn't talk much about it, but when she did it was so obvious how in love she was with the book.

"People look at me like it's the last time they are going to see me. They all cry and tell me how great I am, even though I haven't done anything great. My mom hasn't yelled at me all week," she said sadly.

"Who cares if you have," I swallowed hard. "Cancer. Or if you're out running a marathon, you're still the same Sarah to me."

"Promise?"

"I promise," I said locking pinkies.


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't realize how fast your okays can change. Before it was a bad day if I got detention, but then I was okay if I spent the day holding Sarah's hair back as she threw up her entire stomach. I was okay meeting her after surgery, tracing along her scar lines that got bigger and more gory as time went on. I was okay if I went to school and saw Sarah's desk empty, because it almost always was.

I kept my promise and never cried, in front of her at least. We were silly and somehow I felt a little happy when I was with her. She had a fancy bed in her almost permanent hospital room with a remote control we always played with. We even made a game where you had to close your eyes and guess what you eating that made it easier to swallow the nasty food. A joke was always easy to make about the hospital gowns.

I didn't really understand much of what was going on. I just knew she had to have many surgeries and they tried many different treatments that were killing her just as much as the cancer. She had a hard time breathing and massive headaches, and most of the time she was tired.

Everything changed except Sarah herself. By the end of the month I could count her ribs, she had gotten so skinny and her arms and legs always seemed to be bruised purple. Her once tanned skin now had a greenish pale quality and her hands always shook. She hid it from Sarah, but her mom started drinking.

Her dad consumed himself with work, which wasn't completely a bad thing because cancer is expensive. The scrawny fourteen year old boy whose hair was always messy, stopped being her free spirited weird brother and became the kid who never talked.

Slowly Sarah's friends found new people to talk to and go shopping with, leaving her to be sick by herself. Of course people stopped by to see her all the time, but it wasn't the same. They either came in overly cheery or dreadfully gloomy, never their real selves.

Sarah cried. And it was real. I hated how all the patients in the cancer ward refused to be anything but strong. I never thought Sarah was stronger than when she was in my arms, crying so hard she couldn't breathe.


	12. Chapter 12

Ch. 12

"Hello," I smiled jumping into bed with Sarah. She snuggled into me. It was the first time I'd seen her since she'd gotten home from an especially bad week of treatment.

"I can't walk," she sighed.

I gently rub her back. "I can't do a handstand," I offered. She smiled. "I can't do a split, touch my toes, drive a motorcycle, do a slam dunk, hold my breath for a minute, wiggle my ears, and draw," I listed out. "Do you want to spend all evening saying all the things we can't do?"

"No, can we go watch the sunset instead?" She asks.

"Of course."

Carefully I picked her up and carried her outside. Together we sat in the hammock and watched the sun until it totally vanished. "If you could relive any moment of your life, which one would you choose?" Sarah asked.

I traced the constellations in the air. "Do you remember that time after school when we climbed that hill?"

A smile spread across her face. "You were so determined to reach the top."

"And then we did and that deer came right up to you." The image played over and over again in my mind. Sarah held her hand out to it, and for one second the deer was still and it touched her. Then just as quickly, it bolted away leaving us unable to speak.

"It was beautiful," Sarah nodded. "I swear, Logan it looked me right in the eyes as if to say hi."

"What would you relive?" I asked tangling my hand in her dark hair. My favorite thing about her had always been her curly, soft hair. I'd just lay next to her and twist it around my fingers for hours. It scared me the most to think of her losing it, to know there wasn't much time left until it would all go away.

"That time we were swinging," she laughed. "We soared so high and even when we jumped, you didn't let go of my hand."

I wrapped my fingers around hers and didn't let go even when she fell asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

Ch. 13

"Is it different?" I asked.

Sarah put down the book and looked at me confused. "What do you mean?"

"Is it different reading it now that you have cancer?" The Fault in our Stars is about this girl and her boyfriend who both deal with cancer.

"I'm glad you don't have it too."

"Cancer?"

"Yeah. Logan I know you'd take it from me if you could even if it meant you had to go through it yourself. But if you knew just how bad it was, you wouldn't," she said bending a page in the book.

"Yes I would," I interjected.

"Logan. No one would," she bit her lip and looked away from me. "Not even me if it was you in my situation. It's so bad. People I don't even know post comments on every picture I put up Instagram saying how beautiful I am and how I just keep fighting and how much they love me, when they don't know me just my cancer. Suddenly I'm beautiful now that I'm dying? I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself.

I miss going to school and getting in trouble for not turning in my homework or getting frustrated because I can't get my locker open. I hate letting them stab at the hospital and biting my tongue to keep from screaming out when I get the headaches. When people ask me my story all they want to know is the cancer part, not what I like to do or about the people I love.

My own family doesn't look at me and see seventeen year old Sarah but a freaking patient.

And I'm so angry. I know I can't blame God for all of this, but why won't He take away this pain from me?"

"You never answered my question," I said. I didn't want to think about needles and blood and dying organs. I didn't want to think about God turning His back on us.

"Yes," she whispered. "I don't love the book anymore."

I felt like crying or screaming or ripping the book to shreds. "Why?"

"It just makes me notice things about dying that I didn't see before and it makes me sad," she said emotionlessly.

"Then why do you keep reading it?" I asked almost harshly.

"I don't want any more surprises."


End file.
